Dissappear

This is a private space in a public medium.

I am uncertain as to how what I write here will impact me in the future but I do want you readers to know, that this blog is a current reflection of the state of my mind in this fleeting moment.

With a keyboard at the tip of my fingertips, which seems like a very extension of my own being as it is literally the first and last thing I touch in the morning and night as I set my alarm and switch it off when I awake, I figured that there is no longer any reason for me to hold back on these posts. As controversial or judgmental the posts might seem to classes of people I know or group of friends, I must assert that I am a peaceful person. I do not write this to cause a stir or a break up of friendships - for those I hold close and true, remain as such for the rest of my breathing life in this human shell.

Now I shall begin with my main topic of reflection on this day:
Why has Evelyn dissappeared from Malaysian oriented activities?

In all honesty, I believe my time has passed. The vigor, energy and excitement of being involved in these activities I have been thoroughly engaged in my previous 3 years has worn me out. I believe I have reached the limits of the benefits I can attain from it. Every year, it is a fresh new group of new faces full of energy that I meet it with my own. My own wear and tear. My own mud stained and charred face, and theirs, clean and white - full of naivety and ambition; and the arrogance. As they speak louder than everyone else, float from one person to the next yet hold no sense of loyalty, honesty and modesty. Instead, choosing to powder their faces in glitter and gleam for the sake of power and ambition. It is tiring, having to deal with these people. It is tiring, having to show interest in people who in all honesty give no two shits about you. I would rather not face that. I would rather not have to care. 

I have cared too much in the past. I have felt the burn. The tear at the edges of my heart, like a leaf set alight in a desert.

Simply put, there is no reason I have or need to attend the events anymore. So why should I do it when I have plenty of other duties and responsibilities I have now that are totally unrelated to Malaysian activities. I no longer have a duty to fulfill to burn both ends of my candles. It was fun when I did so but let me ask you, what was the point? I have met closer, much more private and like-minded friends somewhere nearer to me, people I live with; and long-time friends who I barely see but when we meet, it feels like nothing has changed.

In the first place, I am a private person. A person who seeks genuine and true friendships that are not bound to the frequency of how often we meet to establish that bond.  When I sense that I cannot get that, which tbh I got only 1% of these sort of friendships through my MUMSU activities, I have learnt to let these surface relationships go. Living in Lebanon taught me that the harsh realities of life drive you to an end, where God and your own willpower is what will let you preservere in the end. People will let you down. People will criticize you. People will mock you. People will ask you why you do certain things. I say, why care what they think. You do what you want with your life and all I want right now is to get away from most things Malaysian. To experience something else in life I have not already experienced.

To invest in another aspect of my future.